Saturday, October 2, 2010

glutton for punishment

i've decided its time for a change. i want to reclaim my sleep. which means i need to get suriah to somehow sleep better through the night. the only way i can think to do this is to end the all night nurse-a-thons, and the only way i can think to do that is to get her sleeping on her own. i will miss her in my bed but she isnt really all that safe there anymore since she moves so much when she sleeps. so as of tonight i am going to be beyond exhausted....because i am starting to have her sleep in the pack and play. and because i am a glutton for punishment, i also decided to switch emerson to a "big girl bed"...meaning a twin bed. i tried this at naptime and already failed. emerson fell asleep on the floor at the door of the bedroom. hopefully bedtime goes better because i am sure that i will be dealing with a screaming, tired baby as well as trying to get emerson to sleep in her bed. i am prepared to not sleep tonight. and probably tomorrow night as well. i timed this while my parents are going to be gone in the hopes that by the time they return in a few days, the kiddos might be not protesting it so much. i know i have high hopes but i really hope that this goes well....otherwise i wont be sleeping for a LONG time.

i wish i had a partner to help me out with this so i could take naps during the day or maybe have them do a shift at night or even take care of one kid while i take care of the other, but wishing for a partner doesnt change anything, unless a magic genie does exist. if that happens to be the case and i get 3 wishes, i would my partner to also be incredibly hot, be happy at his job which makes lots of money and would like for him and i to be incredibly compatible. not too much to ask for right?? and for my other 2 wishes....i would love to be able to figure out how to work and negotiate daycare and be able to have some money. oh...and having my own place again in an area that i love might be fabulous as well. thanks magic genie. :)

anyway, wish me luck tonight as i embark on changing both kids bedtime routines simultaneously. i might be crazy for doing this but i feel like i might as well live in total hell for a little while rather than a little bit of hell for a long time.... tonight at 8pm it begins.....

Sunday, September 19, 2010

the invisible mommy

i think i do a pretty good job recording the things my kids do by photographing events. i could take more pictures but i think the amount i take shows a good representation of the things they do and their personalities. i am starting to really realize that regardless of how proud i will be when my kids get to look back at the photos of themselves as children (how will they do that btw....look online on my computer or on my flash drives?? weird), it saddens me to think that there aren't many pictures of me with them. being a single mom means that i am usually the one taking all the pictures. actually, let's be honest...i was taking all the pictures even before i was a single mom. that's just my "thing". but i envision pictures of myself with my girls that just don't exist. i think to myself "this would be a great photo opportunity!!" but then i end up with just pictures of them. sometimes i am with family during those great opportunities, but they are mostly camera useless so the picture that i envision in my head (me walking with emerson in a pumpkin patch or playing in the sand with suriah at the beach), never ends up looking the way i hoped. its a weird angle or my head is cut off, etc.

i love pictures of my girls but after they are grown and moved out, i know that i want to be able to reminisce about all of us together....our little family. i know i can do it with my memories in my head but i would love to not be the invisible mommy and be able to look at beautiful pictures of the 3 of us enjoying life together....

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

really a "mommy" now

since having my second baby, i am more and more aware of how easy it is/was to just have one kid. granted, when you go from no kids to one kid, it's definitely a big change but it really wasn't all that hard for me. emerson was very portable. i still pretty much did whatever i wanted (except go to bars at night...which i wasn't really doing much anyway) and i just brought her along. shopping? no problem. eating out at restaurants? no problem!going on international vacations? well, i didnt get to do that before OR after having her so that didnt really matter. haha. but in all seriousness, it was cake. the kid slept well almost from the start. if anything my problem was that she took too MANY naps. it put a crimp in my style having to stay home so much. but we still went out and did tons of things. i was a "mommy" technically but i felt like i was still ME....and i just happened to have a cute little emerson with me.

now that i have 2 kids, i FEEL like a mommy. every day is a battle to get both to nap on the same schedule, or else we NEVER leave the house. bathing them is a huge chore and always involves one (or both) of them screaming once they get out because i cant get both of them dressed and cuddled at the same time. i have to force myself to go places because sometimes it just doesnt seem worth it to get myself and both of them ready, downstairs, pack up what i need in the diaper bag and then get them into the car.... i think of the expression that one kid feels like one, but two kids feel like ten. and its so true. actually i kid often that i have 14 kids. it feels that way sometimes. haha

in all of this craziness i still bring them to the park and to outdoor concerts and walks, etc. i know they enjoy it and i (mostly) do. its hard and frustrating to chase emerson at the park while she is going nuts while i am wearing suriah. or while suriah hangs out in the carseat next to the play structure. i cant help but remember that when emerson was this age, i was putting her on slides or sliding with her, but suriah kind of gets the shaft most of the time because i am so busy making sure emerson isnt killing herself that i dont have the time to be able to do that stuff with suriah. i feel bad about it too. as a single mom, i often feel that i cant meet everyones needs. i firmly believe now that there is a REASON why it takes two people to have kids. because there should be two people raising them as well. i know that's not how it happens these days and its really unfortunate for everyone, even though i know that in some cases (ours included) it was better to be a single mom than be with their dad for so many reasons.

anyway...back to the point of my post. having two kids makes me feel like a TRUE mommy. this is both good and bad. i feel like i have lost more of myself, which may also be because i am not working at the moment so i dont have much to do ASIDE from be a mommy. i love it because i love my kids of course and it is fun (and frustrating) at times....but i guess i wouldnt trade my 14 (or 2) kids for the world.. some day i will get to rediscover myself and i am trying to hold onto the pieces of myself that were strong before and keep hobbies that i used to have. its a struggle to balance it all but i am working on it every day....

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

14 months apart! you must be crazy!

I feel kind of bad because a lot of people will ask me about my girls and how close together they are and then make some sort of comment about their lack of age difference....and i always adamently say something to the like of "i didn't plan it!" and i didn't. i would never have planned to get pregnant when one of my kids was only 6 months old. i know some people WANT kids close together but i wouldnt have planned that.

but it is what it is. i didnt PLAN it but they are 14 months apart and there is no changing that. that is the course my life has taken. its overwhelming at times and really awesome at other times. being a single mom only amplifies the overwhelming part of it, which really sucks. i truely believe that mother nature intended it to take two people to have a baby because it takes (at least) two people to raise a baby. you NEED someone to trade off with. someone who has had just as much a part of the kid as yourself. having family help out is great, but its FAVORS and BABYSITTING...its different than when its your own child.

but i love my girls...and as much as i didnt want them close together and as hard as it was having suriah in a really crazy time in my life, i have TWO children. TWO blessings. things with their father didnt work out and i wish everyday that they had...but i also accept that they most likely never will work out. i just wish for my kids (and myself) that they had been able to grow up in an intact family. i know that the rate of divorce is 50% and that plenty of kids are born to single mothers so my kids won't be alone...but it's just not the life i envisioned for them or for myself.

so although i wouldn't have planned it and i tell people that all the time, i kind of feel like i am saying i didnt want them. i didnt PLAN for them, but they are so wanted and loved and they chose to come when they did. they might not have the "perfect" family, but they will always have me and they will always have each other. i need to work on a better response to people when they comment about their age difference that relays to them that although they werent planned, they are very much loved and wanted.

Friday, May 7, 2010

life keeps getting in the way...

sometimes i blog and sometimes i dont. but dont you worry...i do think about it when i am not blogging. its just a matter of finding the time and energy to actually get uninterrupted time on the computer to write things out...

anyway, let me catch you up. april 11th, my teeny little suriah rolled over from belly to back, for the first time. she is growing up so quickly and is actually pretty big for her age. we (my sister and i) also cut off her rat now she has a boy haircut but its better than a rat tail in my opinion... emerson is talking up a storm. still working on getting her to feed herself, which would be a major feat in my book as that will make my life infinitely easier. i think we might embark on potty training at some point this summer, although i'm not really sure i want to yet. she tells me when she has to poop but when i put her on the potty, she gets all weirded out. honestly, i am going to have to change diapers anyway, so i dont have much motivation to potty train her. plus, i havent met an adult who wasnt potty trained, so i figure that she will eventually just pick it up right? haha

onto my fabulous life...i have a pretty decent social calendar, hanging out with new friends and long lost friends. all fine and good in my book. i actually had to print out a blank calendar so i can keep track of my plans. granted, i have a calendar in my phone but i cant really figure the thing out, so yeah, i'm kicking it old school with paper and pen.

for those of you who care (is anyone even reading this? haha) brad (father of the girlies) is still living in ny. he hasnt been out to see them yet and its pretty depressing to think about. i am not sure why i care about him being in their life but it just makes me feel bad for them to not have their family together. granted, i dont think i could ever be with him again, but i guess i feel guilty that their family didnt work out. nothing i could have really done about it. i tried to make things work and i tried way longer than i should have because of emerson and then suriah but sometimes things werent meant to work out. i am hoping that there is a better plan for us, and although its all fine and lovely to be living at my parents house (to which i am eternally greatful to them), i hope that that isnt the master plan for my little family forever (and i'm sure my parents think the same thing! haha).

well...cross your fingers that i find time to blog more! i have thought of what to blog about but then by the time i get to the computer, all i put in there is updates. i'll work on that. maybe. haha

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

they hate me...

i am being ganged up on. 2 teeny little munchkins are controlling my life and trying to make me go crazy. haha. seriously...both emerson and suriah want to be held all day today and if i hold them both at the same time, a fight ensues. believe it or not, suriah doesn't seem to want me to give emerson attention. the minute i hold emerson, suriah will cry....and vice versa. its exhausting. i need to somehow clone myself.

last night suriah decided to break her sleeping through the night habit and woke up at 4am. i nursed her and she went back to sleep but my little friend emerson decided to wake up at 630am. sweet. i need someone to drug me at 9pm so i will be in bed by 10pm. i'm tired and cranky and i swear if i hear emerson scream one more time i might just jump out the window.

...i will not murder my child, even though she screams like a banshee.... (thank you kim for giving me that mantra) haha

well, i thought i had a moment to myself...a moment where they were both sleeping, but it only lasted about 5 minutes. suriah is awake and crying again. some days, caffiene just isnt enough to make it through the day. so much for showering...again.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

no more nursing at night!

so i was going to get ready for bed last night and was about to put on my usual sleep attire...a nursing bra and nursing pajama gown, when i realized that suriah has been sleeping through the night now for well over a week so i didnt really need to wear any nursing attire to bed anymore!!!

it was such a weird thought and i dont know why i hadnt thought of it before. so i went into my pj drawer in my dresser and pulled out my previous nighttime attire....a tank top and comfy shorts.

i have been so happy that suriah has been sleeping through the night but i also miss the cuddling in my bed, so today after yet another night of her sleeping 12 hours straight through, i hopped into bed with her and nursed her and we cuddled for a little while. i love watching my babies grow up but a part of me wishes they could stay cute little baby blobs forever!