really a "mommy" now

since having my second baby, i am more and more aware of how easy it is/was to just have one kid. granted, when you go from no kids to one kid, it's definitely a big change but it really wasn't all that hard for me. emerson was very portable. i still pretty much did whatever i wanted (except go to bars at night...which i wasn't really doing much anyway) and i just brought her along. shopping? no problem. eating out at restaurants? no problem!going on international vacations? well, i didnt get to do that before OR after having her so that didnt really matter. haha. but in all seriousness, it was cake. the kid slept well almost from the start. if anything my problem was that she took too MANY naps. it put a crimp in my style having to stay home so much. but we still went out and did tons of things. i was a "mommy" technically but i felt like i was still ME....and i just happened to have a cute little emerson with me.

now that i have 2 kids, i FEEL like a mommy. every day is a battle to get both to nap on the same schedule, or else we NEVER leave the house. bathing them is a huge chore and always involves one (or both) of them screaming once they get out because i cant get both of them dressed and cuddled at the same time. i have to force myself to go places because sometimes it just doesnt seem worth it to get myself and both of them ready, downstairs, pack up what i need in the diaper bag and then get them into the car.... i think of the expression that one kid feels like one, but two kids feel like ten. and its so true. actually i kid often that i have 14 kids. it feels that way sometimes. haha

in all of this craziness i still bring them to the park and to outdoor concerts and walks, etc. i know they enjoy it and i (mostly) do. its hard and frustrating to chase emerson at the park while she is going nuts while i am wearing suriah. or while suriah hangs out in the carseat next to the play structure. i cant help but remember that when emerson was this age, i was putting her on slides or sliding with her, but suriah kind of gets the shaft most of the time because i am so busy making sure emerson isnt killing herself that i dont have the time to be able to do that stuff with suriah. i feel bad about it too. as a single mom, i often feel that i cant meet everyones needs. i firmly believe now that there is a REASON why it takes two people to have kids. because there should be two people raising them as well. i know that's not how it happens these days and its really unfortunate for everyone, even though i know that in some cases (ours included) it was better to be a single mom than be with their dad for so many reasons.

anyway...back to the point of my post. having two kids makes me feel like a TRUE mommy. this is both good and bad. i feel like i have lost more of myself, which may also be because i am not working at the moment so i dont have much to do ASIDE from be a mommy. i love it because i love my kids of course and it is fun (and frustrating) at times....but i guess i wouldnt trade my 14 (or 2) kids for the world.. some day i will get to rediscover myself and i am trying to hold onto the pieces of myself that were strong before and keep hobbies that i used to have. its a struggle to balance it all but i am working on it every day....