Saturday, October 2, 2010

glutton for punishment

i've decided its time for a change. i want to reclaim my sleep. which means i need to get suriah to somehow sleep better through the night. the only way i can think to do this is to end the all night nurse-a-thons, and the only way i can think to do that is to get her sleeping on her own. i will miss her in my bed but she isnt really all that safe there anymore since she moves so much when she sleeps. so as of tonight i am going to be beyond exhausted....because i am starting to have her sleep in the pack and play. and because i am a glutton for punishment, i also decided to switch emerson to a "big girl bed"...meaning a twin bed. i tried this at naptime and already failed. emerson fell asleep on the floor at the door of the bedroom. hopefully bedtime goes better because i am sure that i will be dealing with a screaming, tired baby as well as trying to get emerson to sleep in her bed. i am prepared to not sleep tonight. and probably tomorrow night as well. i timed this while my parents are going to be gone in the hopes that by the time they return in a few days, the kiddos might be not protesting it so much. i know i have high hopes but i really hope that this goes well....otherwise i wont be sleeping for a LONG time.

i wish i had a partner to help me out with this so i could take naps during the day or maybe have them do a shift at night or even take care of one kid while i take care of the other, but wishing for a partner doesnt change anything, unless a magic genie does exist. if that happens to be the case and i get 3 wishes, i would my partner to also be incredibly hot, be happy at his job which makes lots of money and would like for him and i to be incredibly compatible. not too much to ask for right?? and for my other 2 wishes....i would love to be able to figure out how to work and negotiate daycare and be able to have some money. oh...and having my own place again in an area that i love might be fabulous as well. thanks magic genie. :)

anyway, wish me luck tonight as i embark on changing both kids bedtime routines simultaneously. i might be crazy for doing this but i feel like i might as well live in total hell for a little while rather than a little bit of hell for a long time.... tonight at 8pm it begins.....

Sunday, September 19, 2010

the invisible mommy

i think i do a pretty good job recording the things my kids do by photographing events. i could take more pictures but i think the amount i take shows a good representation of the things they do and their personalities. i am starting to really realize that regardless of how proud i will be when my kids get to look back at the photos of themselves as children (how will they do that btw....look online on my computer or on my flash drives?? weird), it saddens me to think that there aren't many pictures of me with them. being a single mom means that i am usually the one taking all the pictures. actually, let's be honest...i was taking all the pictures even before i was a single mom. that's just my "thing". but i envision pictures of myself with my girls that just don't exist. i think to myself "this would be a great photo opportunity!!" but then i end up with just pictures of them. sometimes i am with family during those great opportunities, but they are mostly camera useless so the picture that i envision in my head (me walking with emerson in a pumpkin patch or playing in the sand with suriah at the beach), never ends up looking the way i hoped. its a weird angle or my head is cut off, etc.

i love pictures of my girls but after they are grown and moved out, i know that i want to be able to reminisce about all of us together....our little family. i know i can do it with my memories in my head but i would love to not be the invisible mommy and be able to look at beautiful pictures of the 3 of us enjoying life together....

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

really a "mommy" now

since having my second baby, i am more and more aware of how easy it is/was to just have one kid. granted, when you go from no kids to one kid, it's definitely a big change but it really wasn't all that hard for me. emerson was very portable. i still pretty much did whatever i wanted (except go to bars at night...which i wasn't really doing much anyway) and i just brought her along. shopping? no problem. eating out at restaurants? no problem!going on international vacations? well, i didnt get to do that before OR after having her so that didnt really matter. haha. but in all seriousness, it was cake. the kid slept well almost from the start. if anything my problem was that she took too MANY naps. it put a crimp in my style having to stay home so much. but we still went out and did tons of things. i was a "mommy" technically but i felt like i was still ME....and i just happened to have a cute little emerson with me.

now that i have 2 kids, i FEEL like a mommy. every day is a battle to get both to nap on the same schedule, or else we NEVER leave the house. bathing them is a huge chore and always involves one (or both) of them screaming once they get out because i cant get both of them dressed and cuddled at the same time. i have to force myself to go places because sometimes it just doesnt seem worth it to get myself and both of them ready, downstairs, pack up what i need in the diaper bag and then get them into the car.... i think of the expression that one kid feels like one, but two kids feel like ten. and its so true. actually i kid often that i have 14 kids. it feels that way sometimes. haha

in all of this craziness i still bring them to the park and to outdoor concerts and walks, etc. i know they enjoy it and i (mostly) do. its hard and frustrating to chase emerson at the park while she is going nuts while i am wearing suriah. or while suriah hangs out in the carseat next to the play structure. i cant help but remember that when emerson was this age, i was putting her on slides or sliding with her, but suriah kind of gets the shaft most of the time because i am so busy making sure emerson isnt killing herself that i dont have the time to be able to do that stuff with suriah. i feel bad about it too. as a single mom, i often feel that i cant meet everyones needs. i firmly believe now that there is a REASON why it takes two people to have kids. because there should be two people raising them as well. i know that's not how it happens these days and its really unfortunate for everyone, even though i know that in some cases (ours included) it was better to be a single mom than be with their dad for so many reasons.

anyway...back to the point of my post. having two kids makes me feel like a TRUE mommy. this is both good and bad. i feel like i have lost more of myself, which may also be because i am not working at the moment so i dont have much to do ASIDE from be a mommy. i love it because i love my kids of course and it is fun (and frustrating) at times....but i guess i wouldnt trade my 14 (or 2) kids for the world.. some day i will get to rediscover myself and i am trying to hold onto the pieces of myself that were strong before and keep hobbies that i used to have. its a struggle to balance it all but i am working on it every day....

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

14 months apart! you must be crazy!

I feel kind of bad because a lot of people will ask me about my girls and how close together they are and then make some sort of comment about their lack of age difference....and i always adamently say something to the like of "i didn't plan it!" and i didn't. i would never have planned to get pregnant when one of my kids was only 6 months old. i know some people WANT kids close together but i wouldnt have planned that.

but it is what it is. i didnt PLAN it but they are 14 months apart and there is no changing that. that is the course my life has taken. its overwhelming at times and really awesome at other times. being a single mom only amplifies the overwhelming part of it, which really sucks. i truely believe that mother nature intended it to take two people to have a baby because it takes (at least) two people to raise a baby. you NEED someone to trade off with. someone who has had just as much a part of the kid as yourself. having family help out is great, but its FAVORS and BABYSITTING...its different than when its your own child.

but i love my girls...and as much as i didnt want them close together and as hard as it was having suriah in a really crazy time in my life, i have TWO children. TWO blessings. things with their father didnt work out and i wish everyday that they had...but i also accept that they most likely never will work out. i just wish for my kids (and myself) that they had been able to grow up in an intact family. i know that the rate of divorce is 50% and that plenty of kids are born to single mothers so my kids won't be alone...but it's just not the life i envisioned for them or for myself.

so although i wouldn't have planned it and i tell people that all the time, i kind of feel like i am saying i didnt want them. i didnt PLAN for them, but they are so wanted and loved and they chose to come when they did. they might not have the "perfect" family, but they will always have me and they will always have each other. i need to work on a better response to people when they comment about their age difference that relays to them that although they werent planned, they are very much loved and wanted.

Friday, May 7, 2010

life keeps getting in the way...

sometimes i blog and sometimes i dont. but dont you worry...i do think about it when i am not blogging. its just a matter of finding the time and energy to actually get uninterrupted time on the computer to write things out...

anyway, let me catch you up. april 11th, my teeny little suriah rolled over from belly to back, for the first time. she is growing up so quickly and is actually pretty big for her age. we (my sister and i) also cut off her rat now she has a boy haircut but its better than a rat tail in my opinion... emerson is talking up a storm. still working on getting her to feed herself, which would be a major feat in my book as that will make my life infinitely easier. i think we might embark on potty training at some point this summer, although i'm not really sure i want to yet. she tells me when she has to poop but when i put her on the potty, she gets all weirded out. honestly, i am going to have to change diapers anyway, so i dont have much motivation to potty train her. plus, i havent met an adult who wasnt potty trained, so i figure that she will eventually just pick it up right? haha

onto my fabulous life...i have a pretty decent social calendar, hanging out with new friends and long lost friends. all fine and good in my book. i actually had to print out a blank calendar so i can keep track of my plans. granted, i have a calendar in my phone but i cant really figure the thing out, so yeah, i'm kicking it old school with paper and pen.

for those of you who care (is anyone even reading this? haha) brad (father of the girlies) is still living in ny. he hasnt been out to see them yet and its pretty depressing to think about. i am not sure why i care about him being in their life but it just makes me feel bad for them to not have their family together. granted, i dont think i could ever be with him again, but i guess i feel guilty that their family didnt work out. nothing i could have really done about it. i tried to make things work and i tried way longer than i should have because of emerson and then suriah but sometimes things werent meant to work out. i am hoping that there is a better plan for us, and although its all fine and lovely to be living at my parents house (to which i am eternally greatful to them), i hope that that isnt the master plan for my little family forever (and i'm sure my parents think the same thing! haha).

well...cross your fingers that i find time to blog more! i have thought of what to blog about but then by the time i get to the computer, all i put in there is updates. i'll work on that. maybe. haha

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

they hate me...

i am being ganged up on. 2 teeny little munchkins are controlling my life and trying to make me go crazy. haha. seriously...both emerson and suriah want to be held all day today and if i hold them both at the same time, a fight ensues. believe it or not, suriah doesn't seem to want me to give emerson attention. the minute i hold emerson, suriah will cry....and vice versa. its exhausting. i need to somehow clone myself.

last night suriah decided to break her sleeping through the night habit and woke up at 4am. i nursed her and she went back to sleep but my little friend emerson decided to wake up at 630am. sweet. i need someone to drug me at 9pm so i will be in bed by 10pm. i'm tired and cranky and i swear if i hear emerson scream one more time i might just jump out the window.

...i will not murder my child, even though she screams like a banshee.... (thank you kim for giving me that mantra) haha

well, i thought i had a moment to myself...a moment where they were both sleeping, but it only lasted about 5 minutes. suriah is awake and crying again. some days, caffiene just isnt enough to make it through the day. so much for showering...again.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

no more nursing at night!

so i was going to get ready for bed last night and was about to put on my usual sleep attire...a nursing bra and nursing pajama gown, when i realized that suriah has been sleeping through the night now for well over a week so i didnt really need to wear any nursing attire to bed anymore!!!

it was such a weird thought and i dont know why i hadnt thought of it before. so i went into my pj drawer in my dresser and pulled out my previous nighttime attire....a tank top and comfy shorts.

i have been so happy that suriah has been sleeping through the night but i also miss the cuddling in my bed, so today after yet another night of her sleeping 12 hours straight through, i hopped into bed with her and nursed her and we cuddled for a little while. i love watching my babies grow up but a part of me wishes they could stay cute little baby blobs forever!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

kid leashes...

today i became one of THOSE moms.

i bought and used one of those kid backpack leashes on emerson. i seriously wanted to murder myself and pretend that this wasnt really me holding my dog...i mean, KID, on a leash. haha

but seriously, it was me and my sister versus suriah, emerson, a vacuum and NO stroller at a mall where they don't believe in those kid carriages. we were losing...big time! the leash seemed to be the only option at the time, and it was only $5.

at first emerson hated it..i think she was freaked out by the animal on her back...haha. she kept turning in a dog chasing it's tail. haha. but then she realized she could WALK and after that, she went a good way.

it was the best worst idea ever. she could walk, but we couldnt really control the direction she went in, which involved her getting pulled occasionally across the floor on her butt. haha. or her stopping walking and us continuing...and then her getting tossed on her butt....and dragged again. haha.

but she really loved it (minus not being able to go wherever she wanted all the time). she was laughing and doing some weird walk-dance and would scream happily. she was blowing kisses to all sorts of people as she walked, kiosk workers, clothing store mannequins, pretty much everyone we walked by. she was also blowing the kisses and then saying bye bye and waving at the people...then she would take off running......well, until she got yanked back by the leash! haha...

my sister and i were seriously laughing at ourselves SO HARD because it was just ridiculous and if you had seen us tonight, you would have laughed uncontrollably. it was the worst but funniest night ever, which involved not only a stupid kid leash and carrying a vacuum around through the mall, but also emerson spilling the contents of her entire 11oz sippy cup on herself and then we undressed her while in the cheesecake factory to try to take her clothes into the bathroom to use the hand dryer to dry them off...only they didnt have one. so we put her coat on, with no shirt and took her to another bathroom, only to realize it wasnt working and so we went back out to the car (she stayed inside with my sister), in torrential downpours (we had a crazy nor-easter and its been raining for days and everywhere is super flooded), to try to get out an outfit that my sister had luckily just bought. and this progressed to her running around the mall with a kid leash on and general craziness ensued. this really isnt even a description of half of our night. it was a disaster but it was hilarious...

and i cant belive that i turned into one of THOSE moms who uses a leash! i HATE those stupid things, but man, i certainly understand the purpose. i swore up and down that the only people who use those are people who dont pay attention to their kid or doesnt know how to control them. now i understand that sometime, disaster strikes and you just dont have enough hands!

dont hate me....i already hate myself a teeny bit for buying and using the darn thing! haha

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

food is my enemy..

don't get me wrong...i LOVE food. i love eating it and i love the way it tastes...i just hate shopping for it, preparing it and cooking it. i love it most when someone else cooks for me. even a sandwich made by someone else tastes better than my own. it's just that food and i don't seem to be having a good time with each other lately. part of this is because of suriah's issues...i can't have any dairy so i am at a loss of what to eat, which sucks. and my past favorites need to be eliminated or substituted with something that usually doesn't taste as good. i am working with it but really, i am sick of having to even think of alternatives. why can't i just go back to eating ice cream and drinking lots of milk??

but anyway, my main point of this post isn't really about's more about MEALS. i know that i can be a good parent. i have worked with kids for years and years and i know i can deal with the crap they eventually bring. i was never worried about whether i would be able to handle my kids....except in one way. i have always worried about feeding them. as previously mentioned, i hate cooking. it's easy to breastfeed or formula feed, but once we start getting into real food, i knew i was gonna suck. and i think it's safe to say that i really do suck at feeding emerson. it's nice that i am now at my parents house, and my mother cooks actual meals because emerson can eat those and isn't forced to eat chef boyardee and peanut butter sandwiches for dinner every night of her life.

granted, she doesn't exactly make this easy on me either. i mean, the kid won't eat grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese or lunch meats. do you know ANY kids who won't eat mac and cheese? i didn't....until i had my own. so i have no idea what to feed this kid. it's beyond frustrating.

so being home takes a bit of that stress off, but i am already anxious for the day that i move out and the feeding of both my kids will lie solely on me. i already feel bad for them. i am hoping that before that day happens, that i magically meet some guy who LOVES to cook and is good at it cuz man, that would make my life a whole lot easier!

i think it's interesting that of all the things that come with parenting, feeding my children is my biggest stressor. i hope i get better at it someday...for the sake of my kids. haha

Monday, March 8, 2010

since suriah was born, emerson has had a tough time with adjusting. she isn't too thrilled with the idea of sharing me with anyone else. it's getting slightly better because we are living around other people right now so she can get attention from other people, but it's still tough.

take a few days ago for example...suriah was wearing this super cute one piece hooded zutano outfit with little elephants on it. so cute! and i decided to put her in the bumbo to see if she could sit in it yet. she was pretty happy sitting it in...emerson was not. i dont know if emerson remembers the bumbo and didn't want to share or what, but she threw a FIT when she saw suriah in it. she went over to suriah and grabbed her hood and tried pulling her out of the bumbo by her hood. it didnt work (and suriah was getting choked!) and so emerson decided to kick her instead. NICE... i would officially like to pronounce that as a FAIL.

i dont know what to do to make emerson be nice to suriah or to not get as jealous and try to kill her off. this totally reminds me of growing up with my older brother and to this day, we really aren't too keen on each other. he has spent his whole life trying to kill me (and some of my friends) off. luckily it never worked and i think he might have given up at this point, but we never really got along. i hope that this isn't a forshadowing of what is to come with emerson and suriah. i would like them to at least somewhat like each other, rather than always hating each other and being in competition.

if you have any suggestions on how to make emerson be nicer to suriah and learn to share me, let me know.

Sunday, March 7, 2010


well, its been a long hiatus from blogging. those of you who know me well know how absolutely crazy life has been in the past few months with all that has gone on between myself and brad, and on top of it all, let's throw the holidays in there for fun as well....oh yeah, and having another baby AND moving out of state. nothing is ever easy, thats for sure!

anyway, to catch everyone up, brad (baby's father) and i are no longer together. if you know me well, you know the reasons. if you dont know me well, then the reasons dont really matter. it was difficult being a newly single mom of a 1 year old and also being super pregnant. but somehow i managed to do it without anyone going completely crazy (although that might be debatable), and on january 1st, 2010 i had another beautiful baby. one thing i can say without a doubt...even though brad and i might not make a good couple, we certainly make beautiful little girls! :) of course, i am biased, but i swear if you have ever seen pics or seen them in person, you would probably agree with me.

to go into more depth, i was aiming for a VBAC, which is a vaginal birth after cesarean. i had gotten some amazing doulas (highly recommend getting a doula if you can!) and was well prepared for a natural birth. well, in typical murphy's law style, after 9 hours of drug free labor, i had to have a c-section because of pain i was having by my previous c-section scar. however, the result of all this was a cute little baby girl, who we named suriah elizabeth. she was 7lbs 6oz and 21 inches long. i left the hospital early, during one of the biggest snowstorms of the year. it was a VERY stressful drive home. suriah has been such a sweet baby, with lots of smiles and she started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks old. we have had some trials and tribulations in the 2 months she has been around...first dealing with her pooping blood. yep...pooping blood. a little freaky to discover. not exactly what you want to see in your baby's diaper 2 days after returning home from the hospital. turns out she is severely allergic to some stuff...which at this point we think is dairy related products. however, i originally had to cut out all dairy, soy, seafood and tree nuts out of my diet in order to keep breastfeeding. and if i chose not to bf anymore, the formula was super expensive...

i am proud to announce that we have been successfully exclusively breastfeeding for over 2 months now and i have worked soy, seafood and tree nuts back into my diet. still waiting on the dairy, and still figuring out what i can eat. we had some issues with her not being able to latch correctly in the beginning but have since worked things out...

so...after having suriah, things have gotten even crazier. i had to try to pack up my house with a 1 year old and newborn, and move in with my parents in MA. yeah, you read that right...i moved home with my parents at 31 years old. not really something i am proud of, but i am thankful they welcomed me back home and are willing to adjust their whole lives to help accomodate me and my girlies. its still an adjustment for all of us and it hasnt been easy, probably for any of us.

now that i am "home", my main purpose of blogging is useless. it was to keep everyone at home updated on me and emerson. now that we are around all these people, my purpose has changed. i am blogging for me and my girlies...for memories.

so blogging has been resurrected....with a new purpose and a new name. i am now outnumbered by my kids....haha.