i get it....i finally understand. before i looked at mom's who cried on that first day of kindergarten or sobbed as their child left for summer camp and laughed at what weak women they are and how silly it is to cry. i mean, the kid is coming home after a half day of kindergarten, and who wouldn't want a summer of peace while your kid is annoying someone else?
but now i get it. I am going to be that mom. i know i will be because tonight is the first night that emerson is sleeping in her own room and it's killing me. i moved her hammock into her room earlier and then walked out of the room with tears in my eyes. i am such a sap. i was even playing the baby beatles lullabye cd while i rearranged things in there for her. and she was out in the livingroom with brad having a jolly old time while i listened to the baby instrumental version of "yesterday" and "i love her" with tear filled eyes, moving her furniture around to make it perfect for her tonight.
i thought she might have trouble sleeping in there tonight. maybe she would notice that she wasn't going to be sleeping in the same room as her mommy, or maybe she would sense that it just wasnt the same. ....she didnt..... she went right to sleep and hasnt made a peep since i put her down. she doesnt even care. she is ready for this teeny bit of independence...or at least, she is ignorant to it happening at all.
me? i'm a wreck! i keep going in and checking on her, to see if she is sleeping okay (she is in another room afterall!) and i keep checking to see if she is breathing. whereas when she was in my room, i would just look to see the rise and fall of her chest, now i dont trust that and i have to place my hand on her chest to feel her breathing....or maybe its just an excuse to touch her.
its time for me to go to bed now, and i just cant do it! i dont want to go into my empty room. i want to go cuddle up under her hammock or something. or just go rescue her from being alone and snuggle with her all night long in my bed. i miss her! it is so silly saying i miss her when she is just in the next room, but that is how i feel. :(
all this turmoil and she doesnt even know what is going on. she is fine with it all....just like the little kid is usually thrilled to go away to camp or finally move off to college, as mom is a sobbing mess. that mom is going to be me! i will be that slobbering puddle of mommy mush when she goes away to camp or college...while she looks at me and thinks to herself, "sheesh mom, cut the cord already!"